I just completed going through "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I have just turned 47. Within me I know I am disorganised, and in a mess but on the outside, I try to appear composed and cheerful.
Although I have been aware for some period that I have difficulties with alcohol, this book made me face them. Nevertheless peculiarly soothed me to comprehend I am not alone. My misuse of alcohol was not simply "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control'..my consumption of alcohol to soothe and keep me emanates from various situations in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.
This might sound strange, but during my high school days, alcohol never appealed to me. Though, I went to University at an esteemed school which prided itself on its education'.and students prided themselves on their power to party. And so started my way into binge drinking and consequent bad character - beginning from black outs, to dreadful hangovers to unfitting sexual practices.
I figured the main path for a hefty young lady to have a sexual experience was to be plastered with similarly as smashed young men.
I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.
With time, I earned a degree and even went further while my love life wasn't left behind. We saw each other often and during such occasions wine was always present while I also got myself a bottle every week.
Time flew, and so did my life; I got married, had two kids and during the months preceding their birth I avoided alcohol. But then as life goes on, aging parents, ADHD child, stressed workaholic husband with infuriation problems.....wine on weekends turned into wine Thursday-Sunday.
We made our wine so there was always so much available and so I began the habit of opening a bottle every night. Without anyone's knowledge, I would make myself a drink after which I would place the glasses where no one would look for them.
Immediately I arrived home - and encounter the household disorder, getting supper, attempting to receive ADHD boy to pay attention on homework while prying the other person off his iPod'.. I can just think about combining that drink'..which I keep filling again till finally I become asleep or faint. In the mornings, what I do first is to go through my I-phone to find out whom I may have accidentally texted while being intoxicated.
Be that as it may, there is more - two years prior I got to be distinctly required in an extremely serious enthusiastic issue with one of my child's companion's fathers. With a couple of hugs as the only physical aspect of the affair yet it was as passionate and exciting compared to most relationships with a lot of emphasis on a physical connection. The beep of my phone which signifies the entry of a message always gave me that ecstatic sensation. Regularly, our phone conversation transpired for long durations and intermittently as well.
I was more jovial than I had ever been. When the relationship got too serious and getting close we almost crossed the sexual line, then he pulled back. I have been emotionally down and sorrowful over this loss....and the drinking escalated.
My mixed drinks alleviated me they helped the agony.
Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. Series of my drunken journey:
I am in guidance which has been an epiphany'..plus studying Ann's book and now detecting this site and studying alike narratives. I feel like I am returning back home.